How I Talk

In conversations, I like to quote things. It makes me feel like I'm some kind of scholar, always quoting ancient texts and shit.
But usually, it's Star wars, or ponies.
Here are a few of the things my friends hear me say, and think I made up on my own.
Idiots.

#1: The fun has been doubled!
Yep, ponies. Season two, episode four, I think. Maybe my favorite episode.
The average conversation will go something like this:
Logan: Hey guys! I just got bitten by a zombie!
Sam: Me too!
Me: The fun has been doubled!
Mark: Me five!
Me: No Mark, you ruined it. Leave, and never return.
But for some reason, Mark always comes back.

#2: Uh... um...
I actually only say one quote on a regular basis. So, in order to not ruin this post, it shall, from now on, be known as:

PONIES IN A SENTENCE!
I shall now summarize a number of ponies in a sentence!
Are you prepared?
Well, I'm not. I'm actually just winging it right now, and hoping that this turns out well.
Actually, you know what? I'm going to save all my pony-related jokes and such for a later date. From now on, this post shall be known as:

MY FAVORITE MOMENTS IN... UH... GAMING, I GUESS?
Yeah, gaming. That should work. I'm sure I can come up with five moments off the top of my-
Wait, what's that you say, one of the many voices in my head that sounds exactly like Pinkie Pie? Ten? Ten?
Yeah, I guess I can do ten.

#10: Sheik has a Vagina!
Woo! I finally beat the shit out of the temples! Time to go murder Ganondorf!
Nope. Time for Link to learn about the ninja-birds and the magic-princess-bees.

Sheik, seen here HAVING A VAGINA

Yup, turns out your badass ninja bro for life is actually your sissy-princess semi-love interest, and also a sage. She gets (surprise!) kidnapped, and now you have to go save her and murderdeathkillificate a giant pig monster.
Good times.

#9: Lucien, Master of Douchebaggery
I loved Fable 2.  I thought it was the best thing ever, right up until the end.
And then you get a face-full of this:

Oh yeah, and this is right after he kills your wife and child, if you needed more reason to hate him.

I gathered the three heroes, and went back to the top of that fucking mountain for this?
Anyway, I was expecting someone, maybe the blind chick, to save me.
And whaddaya know, my dog comes to the rescue!
Right in time to get shot in the face.
So about this time, I was swearing at the screen. Now will the omnipotent blind lady save me?
Yeah!
Oh wait, no. He shoots you in the face, too.
Some people say that Ganondorf is the best villain ever, or maybe Sephiroth, but I'll have to go with Lucien.

#8: Nicole is Dead, Kendra is a Bitch.
I. Love. Dead Space.
It was the scariest game I ever played at the time, and every random noise sent me into a bullet-wasting frenzy. I didn't really see a plot, but that's okay, because the scares kept me occupied.
After I get the Marker to Kyne, I'm more than ready to get the fuck off the Ishimura.
And then BANG, Kendra kills him, grabs the Marker and the only remaining shuttle, and high-tails it off the ship.
Or she would have, I didn't go after her with my girlfriend.
I get to Aegis VII, kill some stuff, Nicole goes missing (Again? Shit, she has worse luck than Princess Peach), and bring the Marker to the pedestal.
Yay, happy ending! Isaac gets on the shuttle, and him and Nicole probably go have space sex.
Ha, no. Kendra traps you, steals the Marker again, and drops the mother of all plot twists: Nicole has been dead the whole time, and Isaac is just crazy.

Kendra Daniels, seen here being a total bitch.

Oh, but don't worry. She most certainly gets her comeuppance.

#7: Master of Unlocking
If you don't know what game this is from, then just leave. You will accomplish nothing by staying here, except becoming confused when I mention Jill sandwiches.
Also, now  want to learn how to pick locks, just so I can order a bunch of business cards that say "Master of Unlocking." I'll charge ridiculous fees to unlock stuff, and then, I'll... uh...
Geez, today is not a good day for me. Maybe it's a tumor? Anyone know a good cancer doctor?

#6: The Choice
Deus Ex: Human Revolution is an awesome game. The story is great, and the graphics are shiny, and everything is so very yellow.
And then, at the end, you make a choice. You can broadcast Darrow's confession to every TV in the world, and hope that people believe everything about the Illuminati. I did this, because fuck lying.
But if you're not me, you can also edit the recording. You can blame Sarif and the augmentation industry, thereby (possibly) forcing mankind to heavily mandate it, making sure that future generations stay humn, or you can blame Taggart and the Humanity front, thereby allowing the Augmentation industry to continue their human testing.
Or, you could blow the whole place to hell, ensuring that nobody ever figures out what the hell happened.
Y'know, if you suck.

#5: The Nuke
Man, CoD4 was a fun game. And the campaign was awesome. Especially the mission called "Shock and Awe."
You play as a US Marine, the same one from mission 3, I think, and you're assisting in the hunt for Al-Bashir, again. But this time it's a straight-up invasion, and most of the mission involves blowing the shit out of anything that moves from a helicopter gun turret. Near the end, another helicopter gets shot down, and you carry the pilot to safety while dodging bullets.
Awesome! Congratulations, you beat the mission!
Except you didn't. A voice on the radio is saying something about a WMD, and suddenly:

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Yeah, that's exactly what it looks like. And get whose helicopter doesn't get out of the blast zone in time? Yeah, the one you're one. Big explosion, you hit the ground, end of mission.
Again, no. You come to in the crashed helicopter, and crawl outside. The sight that greets you looks a lot like the end of RE3:

If you didn't get out in time, and weren't immediately vaporized.

Uh huh. And then, guess what, you just keep walking until you keel over.
AMERICA!

#4: The Fiddy Cal.
What? A moment from the BF3 campaign on this list? Madness!
Whoa, calm the fuck down, dude. These entries are in no particular order, and they are all awesome.
When I say the fiddy cal, I mean that part of the first mission, when you're pinned down by some guy in the hotel across the street, with, you guessed it, a fiddy cal.
this was, easily, the most intense moment in the campaign. Sure, it's really easy, and kind of short, but holy shit nothing is scarier than having the clay pot next to your face explode.
At least, not in BF3.

#3: Clever Girls
Dead Space 2 was the best third person shooter ever until Gears 3 happened. It wasn't nearly as scary as the first one, but that's okay, because it was so full of explosions that I didn't notice.
So there I was, minding my own damn business, killing necromorphs, when the door I need to go through in Chapter 5... "malfunctions."
Alright, no problem. Time to turn around and-
Wait, what the fuck was that noise? It kind of sounds like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park, but that would be stupid.
And then something hit me from behind. I hit the ground, got up, and by the time I turned around it was gone. Out of the corner of my eye I see something move, and I shoot at it, just in time for it to duck around the nearest crate. And then something hits me from behind again.
Guess what it was.

OH GOD WHY DIDN'T I BRING A FLAMETHROWER

No, not a velociraptor. Something worse.

OH GOD WHY DIDN'T I BRING A FLAMETHROWER

Yup, Stalkers. They have the most diabolical AI since Ms. Pac Man, and unlike the ghosts, there were always more than four of them. They like to pop their heads around corners, and when you go after the exposed one, another creeps up behind you, knocks you down, and runs away.
And you think those are bad? In Chapter 10+ there are enhanced versions that are faster, have twice as much health, deal more damage, and blend in with their surroundings.
Shit, I'd rather get pounced by a velociraptor.

#2: A Man Chooses
Ah, Bioshock. You lured me in with your beautiful, steampunk enviroments and addictive combat, and then proceeded to show me an amazing storyline and occasional pants-shitting terror.
After what seems like forever, but is really only the first half of the game (epic forshadowing), you finally meet Andrew Ryan, the guy who's making your stay in Rapture suck.
He talks for a while, says some really deep shit that will be in my head forever, drops the biggest, baddest plot twist in any game, book, or movie ever, and then dies.
No epic final boss, no slow-motion explosions, no one-way trip back to the surface. Just a six-word phrase, a golf club, and a bitter old man.
And then everybody's favorite Irishman, Atlas, shows up and makes everything better, because Atlas is awesome.
Really, really awesome.

Fucking AWESOME

#1: Choose your Starter
Hell. Fucking. Yes.
Pokemon is the greatest game series of all time, and all who dislike it are faggots. End of discussion.
I could go with any of the starter selections, but there was one that really stuck with me.
When I was a kid, everbody spoiled Pokemon for me. They told me where the Legendaries are, and which starters had the best final evolutions, etc.
But I got Pokemon Pearl as soon as it came out, leaving no time for spoilers. So, this was the first time I didn't know everything about the game. Heck, I didn't even know what the starters would be.

Surprise!

Yep, a turtle, a monkey, and a penguin. My options were limited, so I went ahead and grabbed the penguin.
Best choice I have ever made.
A few years later, my LV.100 Empoleon is now on Pokemon White, along with my entire Champion-raping team from Pearl. Me and him demolish asians on WiFi, sometimes, and when Pokemon Black/White 2 comes out, you'd better believe he's going over there as soon as possible. And then, when the Ruby/Sapphire remakes happen, guess what's the first thing to be traded over?
Yup, giant metal death penguin.

FUCK YEAH GIANT METAL DEATH PENGUIN

Stuff in a nutshell

Hello, I'm Josh. Today, I will be summing up my views on some of my favorite things in as few words as I can manage.
Are you ready?
If you said yes, then you're a liar.
Warning, here be spoilers.

Firefly
Fucking space pirates. They be traveling about, stealing from douchebags and giving to themselves or less fortunate douchebags. It only lasted for 14 episodes, which makes me sad because it was amazing. Also, I haven't seen any of the actors except Nathan Fillion in anything else recently, and it may have killed everyone else's careers. No, I'm not going to look it up. You have fingers, and are currently on a computer.

Bioshock
Would you kindly?
I don't know, Atlas, would you?
Great game, scary as shit, mother of all plot twists about three quarters of the way through.
Also, Andrew Ryan must be allergic to golf clubs, or the dude you're playing as must be the Incredible motherfucking Hulk, because I only hit the bastard three times. Well, the last one did kind of get stuck in his grey matter, so maybe I should cut him some slack.
Nah, fuck that guy.

Dead Space
Don't ever trust anyone named Kendra. Just don't.
Also, Isaac is batshit insane. Take the first letter of each chapter title, put them in order, and then punch yourself in the head for not guessing the big plot twist earlier.
Seriously, in retrospect, it was kind of obvious.

Dead Space: Extraction
Fun, scary, and way too short to be worth sixty bucks, I greatly enjoyed this game.
Especially when I had to use the nunchuk to chop off my own hand.
Good times.

Dead Space 2
I really like Dead Space.
Somehow Isaac manages to get batshit insaner, and also zombie-Nicole is screaming at you every five seconds.
A few more solid plot twists, improved combat, addictive if somewhat repetative multiplayer, Isaac's awesome voice, Ellie "Motherfucker" Langford, etc.
Action packed, slightly less scary. The stalkers are really the only thing that made me nervous, because sweet jesus they're everywhere.

Pokemon
I don't really feel as though I need to say anything. It's Pokemon. A lot of people are hating on G5, but I don't really see the problem, except for the lack of a Vs. Seeker of some sort. So, yeah, some of the new Pokemon are kind of ridiculous, but that's alright. There were some bullshit ones in the first four generations, too.
I'm looking at you, Johto. A totem pole? Really? And what the fuck is Dunspace supposed to be? And Snubull?
If you want to yell bullshit, yell it at G2.

Call of Duty
I have nothing immediately negative to say about CoD. Its multiplayer is simple and addictive, and the campaigns, although mostly the same thing over and over again, are always interesting.
No, there's nothing wrong with the games themselves.
But there's plenty wrong with the fanbase. If I want to get screamed at by a bunch of little kids, I'll go set fire to an orphanage. I've met a few awesome people on MW2, even some who purposely teamkill small children, but they are the 1%, the other 99% being small children with absent parents, small children with retarded parents, or quickscopers, which are worse than the first two, because I can mute little kids.
In real life, all you'd get for quickscoping in a shootout is a dislocated shoulder and about six extra pounds of lead.

Battlefield
This is more my style. Give me a tank, give me a realistic sniper rifle, give me an objective to take, and I'm good to go. Sure, it's not exactly hyperrealistic, but I don't care, because it's fun as hell. Sure, the BF3 campaign is pretty much a CoD knock-off, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. As I said above, it's interesting.
What isn't interesting, however, is frag rounds. Shotguns should not be able to win a shootout from sixty metres away, especially if the other dude(Me) is rocking a Famas/suppressor/holo/foregrip combo of doom.
These rounds are unacceptable. And it doesn't even need to hit you, it just needs to hit within five feet of you.
So for the sake of not being a massive tool, let's stop using those, okay?

Ponies
Fuck. Yeah. Ponies.
That is all.
I may revisit ponies in a later post, perhaps to give an in-depth look at each and every one of the magnificent bastards.
But for now, just know that they're awesome, and one of them is Harley Quinn.

Resident Evil 1
Itchy scratch tasty.
Terrible camera angles, decent scares, FUCK HUNTERS.
Also, Barry is the most unintentionally hilarious character in the entire series.

Resident Evil 2
Oh, silly Mr. Kendo. Zombies don't care that you have a shotgun.
Hot asian, annoying little girl that is still a better character than Ashley,
WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN RACCOON CITY HAVE A SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE?
"Hey Chief Irons, the printer's out of ink again."
"HERP DERP ACTIVATE THE SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE!"
*RPD explodes*
I mean seriously, they're like space pirates.

Resident Evil 3
STAAAAAAARS!
Nemesis is the single most errifying enemy in the entire series, even worse than Verdugo, because you only have to fight Verdugo once.
Also, Nicholai is a douche.

Resident Evil 4
What's this? Not terrible camera angles? Twice as many enemies as the first three games put together?
FUCK YE- oh wait, not fuck yeah.
You know why?
Ashley Graham, that's why. I signed up to kill not-zombies, and instead I get babysitting duty.
Well, at least Capcom makes her get kidnapped a few times, like they're making up for it.

Resident Evil 5
As an action game, it's pretty great, but as a Resident Evil game, it kind of falls flat. I was expecting some kind of epic adventure like in RE4, and instead I get about a dozen ten-minute long chapters, Ashley with a gun, and the most bullshit enemy ever, also known as the Reaper.
Co-op greatly improves the experience, if you can even find someone to play with.
At least Mercenaries is still fun.

Resident Evil: Code Veronica
I am Alfred Ashford! HEE HEE HEE HEE!
Alright, calm down, Kefka. Also, maybe stop dressing up like your sister.
Fun game, probably my favorite of the original Resident Evils. The final boss was a bitch if you weren't prepared, but so were the rest, if you think about it.
Yes, I'm talking about you, Steve Monster.

Final Fantasy
All of them are the same game, or at least the good ones are.
Really.
Cecil/Cloud/Lightning has to save the world, but about halfway through they realize that they must stop being a Dark Knight/Crazy Person/Badass and instead become a Paladin/Emo/Slightly More Likable Badass, blah blah blah, some bullshit about Meteor, dude named Cid, love interest who Gets Kidnapped/Dies/Is Nonexistent.
Oh, and those final bosses? Furious Immortal/Furious Immortal/Immortal Who Makes No Damn Sense. Seriously, the entirety of Final Fantasy XIII is Barthandelus telling the main characters to kill Orphan, and them saying no. And then you finally meet Orphan and everyone's all like "OH GOD KILL IT!"
Dafuq, Square Enix?
And each of them has a character who is whiny and useless until the last quarter of the game, in the form of Kain/I Don't Know/Hope.
"But Kain isn't whiny!"
Shut your whore mouths, fangirls. The first half of the game is him being evil, and the last quarter is him going "Well, that white mage is really hot, but I'm sad because she's into the Paladin."
Prove me wrong. I dare you.

Stay tuned for part 2 of Stuff in a nutshell!

5 Things I Enjoy and 5 Things I Want to Punch

I, Josh the Thugnificent, enjoy many things. Most of them are video games, or types of food. Or ponies.
So many ponies.
In celebration of these many things, I decided to make a list of them, in no particular order. Of course, a list such as this would be unacceptably happy. So, in order to balance it out, I decided to add five things that fill me with an insatiable bloodlust known only by berserkers.

You know who you are.

5: Pinkamena Diane Pie

This pony is the physical embodiment of all that I believe in.
-Laughter
-Joy
-Assorted pastries
-Insanity
Some people are gentle Fluttershies, and I'm fine with that. Some people are competitive, loyal Rainbow Dash(s?). And I'm fine with that, too. But me, I am a Pinkie Pie. I laugh, I make people laugh, that's what I live for. Sometimes I murder my friends, and bake them into cupcakes. You know how it works. Also, neither of us are fond of logic, as it just slows us down.

Like so.

Last year for Christmas, I discovered a DELUXE PINKIE PIE ACTION FIGURE WITH NAZI-EXPLODING ACTION and also some cupcakes, and a brush for brushing her magnificent mane of looking-like-cotton-candy-ness. I was so overjoyed, that I tossed away my brand new loofah to just stare at it. Anyway, she's still in the box, because I really don't want my dogs getting a hold of her. And they get into fucking everything.



4: Firefly

This one requires no explanation. Instead, admire this picture, and dream of what could have been.

3: Pokemon

When I was a kid, I didn't watch Pokemon. I watched Digimon. For several years, I believed Pokemon to be a ripoff of Digimon, and scorned it. But then, one day, I happened to catch the first episode as a rerun.
HOLY SHIT.
From that point onward, all of my time was split evenly between these monsters of the digital and pocket variety. I started playing a little something called Pokemon Red.

You may have heard of it.

Eventually, I gave up on Digimon (at least until Digimon Tamers, also known as the best show ever). Me and my Venusaur raped and pillaged our way to the Pokemon League, and then... I lost it. The game cartridge. Somewhere in Ohio, a small plastic square lays, forgotten, it's last save right before the Champion.
A few years later, I played Pokemon Ruby, AKA my favorite Pokemon game, after Pearl. I would start a new game every day, and have it beat by dinner time. I lost that one too. It's in my closet somewhere, I just need to find it.
Then, lo and behold, Empoleon.

BEST. POKEMON. EVER.

I beat Pearl, and even completed the National Dex, a first for me. I got Pokemon White, and while my Serperior is pimptastic, I brought Empoleon over as soon as possible, along with my Gardevoir, Deoxys, Crobat, and Metagross. Together with my Serperior, my team was, and still is, unstoppable. I decided to get every Pokemon game that comes out, and take this team through all of them. See what those Asians on WiFi think of that.



2: Calzones

First, you take a pizza.

Fun Fact: It's a vegetable.

Then, you fold it in on itself.

I use a spacetime paradox, but hands work too.

BEHOLD, PERFECTION!

FACE IT IN COMBAT. FULFILL YOUR DESTINY.

ALTMAN BE PRAISED! UNITED AS ONE, WE ASCEND TO- I mean, that's a good looking calzone.



1: Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life

About once a year, something happens to me. I am suddenly reminded of this game, and I get really depressed, and I change my Facebook profile picture to one of Celia or something.
You see, folks, this was the fifth game I ever played, and the first on my beloved Gamecube. It was the first game I had ever seen with multiple, branching stories, and more then one ending. It was also long. Very long. So long, I only beat it once. But you'd better believe that one, single playthrough was the best time of my life.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH

This was also the first game where I truly, honestly cared for the characters. I was sad when Nina died, and I got attached to Celia, Gustav, and that fucking yeti. I named my horse Epona, and my dog Spot. I think it really speaks about how much this game affected me that even today, I can pop in Battlefield 3, kill someone, teabag their corpse, and then compare their mother to Vesta without missing a beat.
But what really got to me was the ending. My farm flourished, my son grew up, and Celia grew old with me. And for pouring so many hours into this game, what is my reward?
This. I couldn't find a video of Celia, so Nami will have to do.

Alright, I need to replace this crippling depression with unyielding rage, and fast. So coming up next, five things that make me want to go full out cupcakes.


5: Kids that think the only good games require explosions/violence

See that game above this? Best game ever. And I checked, there are exactly zero explosions. It's also violence free. This is a warning to all of the nine-year-olds on Xbox Live, screaming and cussing. It's a warning to all of the people whose emotions have been numbed by repetitive shooters, who didn't bat an eye at the link at the end of the above greatest thing ever. While I enjoy teabagging my fallen enemies as much as the next guy, but I can just as easily cry until my eyes bleed at the end of the Pokemon movie.

I know where you live, fucker.

Fortunately, I am not alone. I have seen amazing acts that have restored some of my faith in humanity. I have seen an entire team on Modern Warfare 2 teamkill an annoying child, repeatedly, until he ragequit. That same team still beat us, but I couldn't care less about that. The point is, have a childhood. Play Pokemon, watch Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends (online, since it's not on TV anymore. Somehow.). And for the love of all that is good in the world, parents, buy your children car city blankets. If you don't, they'll grow up to be Charles Manson. Or in the very least, some army men.

This is all you need to be a stable adult. Except for that guy in the bottom right. Fuck that guy.

4: Hipsters

No funny caption here. Just look at these things, and tell me you don't hate them. I dare you.

3: White people in the South that act 'Gangsta'

Some people may call me a hypocrite for this one, as I introduce myself as Josh the Thugnificent, and am a white person from the South. But the difference between me and these people is that I earned my title by burning down 1,000 inner-city orphanages, and then constructing a meat dragon out of the remains. These people just listen to rap, and wear their pants really low. They also may or may not be potheads.

Sometimes I wonder why God doesn't just burn the world clean and start over.

They're always very tall, or very short. Almost all of them live in a trailer. They own a truck, usually red for some reason. Their names tend to start with an 'A'. If you, or someone you know, is at least three of these things, they must die. There will be no mercy. I would build a meat dragon out of them, but I like my meat dragons to wear their pants correctly.



2: All ponies post-G1 and pre-FiM

This is the reason people make fun of me for being a brony. At least G1 had a bad guy who rode around on a fucking dragon, and FiM is just amazing in ever way, shape, and form. Everything between those was unacceptable. If I could go back in time, I would murder the people who made them in their sleep. I would also win the lottery a few times, and steal the Mona Lisa.

UNACCEPTABLE

PERFECTION

Guess what, people who pick on bronies? I hate those girly abominations too. They are the reason I hated MLP until earlier this year. And then I discovered Pinkie. But that's a story for another time.



1: Lickers

The fourth game I ever played was a little something called Resident Evil 2. So I'm playing it, and I come to a long hallway. I could hear a faint crunching sound, and there was a pool of blood at the bottom of the screen. What could it be?
Terror.
That's right, kids! It's the licker! Bane of my existence, and to clean underwear. See, I love scary games. I can roll right through Dead Space or F.E.A.R. without being scared. But this thing is terrifying. I don't know why they scare me so much.
Oh yeah, now I remember.

SCIENCE TEAM LOG

I know that space pirates have pincers for mouths, and as such can only make clicking noises and shrieks.
So if it makes it funnier, just imagine them talking in, you know, clicks and shrieks. Like Geonosions.

ZEBESIAN SCIENCE TEAM MEETING

"Okay, so the Omega Pirate thing isn't working."
"Agreed, what a waste of phazon..."
"What are you talking about? Have you seen the combat footage? That thing killed the fuck out of that army!"
"That was a space pirate army."
"What?"
"It got out, and it killed thousands of space pirates."
"Oh." 
"Yeah."
"Well then, we should probably launch it into the nearest sun."
"OOH!"
"..."
"OOOOOH! I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA!" 
"...Yes, science drone 504?"
"We could keep it in cryogenic storage in a room filled with phazon!"
"...Doesn't phazon, y'know, make it even angrier?"
"OH! We could also give it an upgrade that only our worst enemy can use!"
"GENIUS!"
"Yes, an excellent plan!"
"But gentlemen, first we must continue to pump massive amounts of the most unstable element ever into a gigantic Metroid!"
"Of course, how could we have forgotten!"
"And after that, we must finish that new Elite Pirate armor!"
"The one that only shows it's weak point when both of it's kneecaps are shot simultaneously?"
"That's the one!"
"I love that one!"
"Well, I must say that this was quite possibly the most enlightening meeting we have ever held!"


I like to think of the science team as a group of idiots in monocles and top hats.
Just because.
HARRUMPH

TYLER GOES TO THE AIRPORT

THE SETTING: Like, an airport.

Tyler, showing his usual disregard for the laws of physics/bulletproof glass, kicks down the airport entrance, and strolls over to the ticket-giver-outer-person.

TYLER: I would like to purchase a ticket to the future.

TICKET PERSON: I... what?

TYLER: I must go to the future and prevent FUTURE JOSH from going back in time and meeting JOSH.

TICKET PERSON: I'm going to call security now.

10 minutes later...

SECURITY: Sir, why was your briefcase filled with meat?

TYLER: Please do not tell me you touched the orphan meat.

SECURITY: I... did you just say orphan meat?

TYLER: Yes.

SECURITY: As in...

TYLER: Made from orphans, yes.

SECURITY: ......Why?

TYLER:  Because I'm making a Meat Dragon, and not just any meat will do.

SECURITY: F***. Okay, do you have a criminal record?

 TYLER: 137 counts of Super-murder.

SECURITY:Um... define Super-murder?

TYLER: Okay, so murder is, like, shooting someone, right?

SECURITY: Yes?

TYLER: Well, Super-murder is sneaking into someone's house at night, Waking them up by punching them in  the d***, and then stabbing them in the face with a broadsword.

SECURITY: And you've done this 137 times?

TYLER: Yes.

SECURITY: HOLY S***. Well, moving away from that, where did you get the orphan meat?

TYLER: Super-murder.

TYLER punches the security guard in the d***, and then stabs him in the face with a broadsword.
He then walks back into the lobby, and sees a bunch of orphans on a field trip, or whatever orphans do.

TYLER: THE MEAT DRAGON MUST BE COMPLETED!

TYLER stabs their tour guide person with a broadsword.

ORPHAN: OH MY GOD SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!

TYLER: I'll call you a hearse.

TYLER kills ORPHANS with shuriken*.

TYLER: Wait, didn't I have to do something?

In the future, FUTURE JOSH boards the plane to the past.

TYLER: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

THE END



*SINGULAR

GEARS 3 BETA

This is generally how it goes down.

MATCH 1
ROUND 1
Oh yeah, time to own.
NO, THE LONGSHOT IS MINE!
YOU WHORE.
Fine, I can do without.
OH WHAT THE F***, GNASHER TO THE BACK?!
O.K., "xXCLUTCHXx", if that's how you want to play, I can play like that.
O.K., I finally got my Longshot.
BOOM HEADSHOT!1!!
Wait, is that Clutch?
I GOT SOMETHIN SPECIAL FOR YOU.
CHAINSAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!
Well I died, but it was worth it.
Oh, is that their leader?
Wait, I'm playing capture the leader?
O.K.
EFFING CLUTCH WITH HIS EFFING GNASHER.
Fine, I'll just grab my chainsaw...
AND MURDER YOU.
AGAIN.
Oh, did we win?
Cool.

MATCH 1
ROUND 2
F*** YES I AM THE LEADER.
Prescott has a very nice shirt...
F*** YOU CLUTCH.
F*** YOU AND YOUR GNASHER.
Put me down.
Now.
Uh-oh, looks like my team just rescued me.
Don't worry, I won't give you the chainsaw.
I'LL JUST PUNCH YOU UNTIL YOUR HEAD EXPLODES.
BOOSH.
WHERE IS YOUR FACE NOW?
Oh, hello Myyrah.
GET OVER HERE.
Hahaha, I'd like to see them try to save you...
I SEE YOU CLUTCH.
YOU CAN'T HIDE.
Oh, did i just kill you?
WITH YOUR QUEEN?
Guess so.
Wow, it's been 30 seconds already?
Oh well, better luck next time, Clutch.
Jerk.

THE FUTURE WILL SUCK FOR THE REST OF YOU.

The place: My house, I guess.
The time: Like, I don't know, 7:00.

JOSH: I guess I'm at my house at like, I don't know, 7:00

There's a bright flash.
And some kind of noise, or whatever.

FUTURE JOSH: Hello, past me.

JOSH: Are you riding a velociraptor?

FUTURE JOSH: No. You are riding a velociraptor.

JOSH: I knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.

FUTURE JOSH: I have come to tell you of your future!

JOSH: Wait, when exactly are you from?

FUTURE JOSH: The year...
              2031!

JOSH: That's... not that far from now.

FUTURE JOSH: Yeah, I know. It's actually about 2 years since I invented the Death Ray.

JOSH: I INVENTED THE DEATH RAY?!

FUTURE JOSH: Yes, I did.

JOSH: Who did I disintegrate first? Was it Jeremiah? I hope it was Jeremiah.

FUTURE JOSH: Unfortunately, no. Jeremiah is stuck in furry jail.

JOSH: Meh, good enough.

FUTURE JOSH: The first person you disintegrated was actually Bill O'Reilly.

JOSH: I AM AN EFFING HERO.

FUTURE JOSH: Yes, I am. The people of America banded together and bought me this fancy hat.

JOSH notices the hat.

JOSH: That is a rather fancy hat. But where did you get the velociraptor?

FUTURE JOSH: Right before I came here, I went even farther back. Back to when Teddy roosevelt was president.

JOSH: Is he as amazing as I thought he would be?

FUTURE JOSH: More. Much more.

JOSH: My god.

FUTURE JOSH: This was his velociraptor. I had to fight him for it.

JOSH: Bull. You're still alive.

FUTURE JOSH: You forget. I have a Death Ray.

JOSH: BULL. You're still alive.

FUTURE JOSH: But I also knew his one weakness. Badgers.

JOSH: You clever devil.

FUTURE JOSH: After the badgers, it was all over.

JOSH: On an unrelated note, what happened to everyone else I know?

FUTURE JOSH: Mark defected fom the U.S.A. and made his own country, where the legal age of consent is 9.

JOSH: I believe you.

FUTURE JOSH: Future Logan was going to come too, but he wanted to stay with Roosevelt.

JOSH: I don't blame him.

FUTURE JOSH: The rest of them... exploded.

JOSH: Even phipps*?

FUTURE JOSH: Especially phipps*.

JOSH: Meh.

FUTURE JOSH: That's what I said. And now, I must return to the future.

JOSH: But wait! How did you even get here?

FUTURE JOSH: LIKE A CHAMPION.

FUTURE JOSH vanishes.

JOSH: I EFFING LOVE ME.

THE END

*SEE EVERYTHING BEFORE THIS