So many ponies.
In celebration of these many things, I decided to make a list of them, in no particular order. Of course, a list such as this would be unacceptably happy. So, in order to balance it out, I decided to add five things that fill me with an insatiable bloodlust known only by berserkers.
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| You know who you are. |
5: Pinkamena Diane Pie
This pony is the physical embodiment of all that I believe in.
-Laughter
-Joy
-Assorted pastries
-Insanity
Some people are gentle Fluttershies, and I'm fine with that. Some people are competitive, loyal Rainbow Dash(s?). And I'm fine with that, too. But me, I am a Pinkie Pie. I laugh, I make people laugh, that's what I live for. Sometimes I murder my friends, and bake them into cupcakes. You know how it works. Also, neither of us are fond of logic, as it just slows us down.
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| Like so. |
Last year for Christmas, I discovered a DELUXE PINKIE PIE ACTION FIGURE WITH NAZI-EXPLODING ACTION and also some cupcakes, and a brush for brushing her magnificent mane of looking-like-cotton-candy-ness. I was so overjoyed, that I tossed away my brand new loofah to just stare at it. Anyway, she's still in the box, because I really don't want my dogs getting a hold of her. And they get into fucking everything.
4: Firefly
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| This one requires no explanation. Instead, admire this picture, and dream of what could have been. |
3: Pokemon
When I was a kid, I didn't watch Pokemon. I watched Digimon. For several years, I believed Pokemon to be a ripoff of Digimon, and scorned it. But then, one day, I happened to catch the first episode as a rerun.
HOLY SHIT.
From that point onward, all of my time was split evenly between these monsters of the digital and pocket variety. I started playing a little something called Pokemon Red.
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| You may have heard of it. |
Eventually, I gave up on Digimon (at least until Digimon Tamers, also known as the best show ever). Me and my Venusaur raped and pillaged our way to the Pokemon League, and then... I lost it. The game cartridge. Somewhere in Ohio, a small plastic square lays, forgotten, it's last save right before the Champion.
A few years later, I played Pokemon Ruby, AKA my favorite Pokemon game, after Pearl. I would start a new game every day, and have it beat by dinner time. I lost that one too. It's in my closet somewhere, I just need to find it.
Then, lo and behold, Empoleon.
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| BEST. POKEMON. EVER. |
I beat Pearl, and even completed the National Dex, a first for me. I got Pokemon White, and while my Serperior is pimptastic, I brought Empoleon over as soon as possible, along with my Gardevoir, Deoxys, Crobat, and Metagross. Together with my Serperior, my team was, and still is, unstoppable. I decided to get every Pokemon game that comes out, and take this team through all of them. See what those Asians on WiFi think of that.
2: Calzones
First, you take a pizza.
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| Fun Fact: It's a vegetable. |
Then, you fold it in on itself.
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| I use a spacetime paradox, but hands work too. |
BEHOLD, PERFECTION!
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| FACE IT IN COMBAT. FULFILL YOUR DESTINY. |
ALTMAN BE PRAISED! UNITED AS ONE, WE ASCEND TO- I mean, that's a good looking calzone.
1: Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life
About once a year, something happens to me. I am suddenly reminded of this game, and I get really depressed, and I change my Facebook profile picture to one of Celia or something.
You see, folks, this was the fifth game I ever played, and the first on my beloved Gamecube. It was the first game I had ever seen with multiple, branching stories, and more then one ending. It was also long. Very long. So long, I only beat it once. But you'd better believe that one, single playthrough was the best time of my life.
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| I MISS YOU SO MUCH |
This was also the first game where I truly, honestly cared for the characters. I was sad when Nina died, and I got attached to Celia, Gustav, and that fucking yeti. I named my horse Epona, and my dog Spot. I think it really speaks about how much this game affected me that even today, I can pop in Battlefield 3, kill someone, teabag their corpse, and then compare their mother to Vesta without missing a beat.
But what really got to me was the ending. My farm flourished, my son grew up, and Celia grew old with me. And for pouring so many hours into this game, what is my reward?
This. I couldn't find a video of Celia, so Nami will have to do.
Alright, I need to replace this crippling depression with unyielding rage, and fast. So coming up next, five things that make me want to go full out cupcakes.
5: Kids that think the only good games require explosions/violence
See that game above this? Best game ever. And I checked, there are exactly zero explosions. It's also violence free. This is a warning to all of the nine-year-olds on Xbox Live, screaming and cussing. It's a warning to all of the people whose emotions have been numbed by repetitive shooters, who didn't bat an eye at the link at the end of the above greatest thing ever. While I enjoy teabagging my fallen enemies as much as the next guy, but I can just as easily cry until my eyes bleed at the end of the Pokemon movie.
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| I know where you live, fucker. |
Fortunately, I am not alone. I have seen amazing acts that have restored some of my faith in humanity. I have seen an entire team on Modern Warfare 2 teamkill an annoying child, repeatedly, until he ragequit. That same team still beat us, but I couldn't care less about that. The point is, have a childhood. Play Pokemon, watch Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends (online, since it's not on TV anymore. Somehow.). And for the love of all that is good in the world, parents, buy your children car city blankets. If you don't, they'll grow up to be Charles Manson. Or in the very least, some army men.
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| This is all you need to be a stable adult. Except for that guy in the bottom right. Fuck that guy. |
4: Hipsters
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| No funny caption here. Just look at these things, and tell me you don't hate them. I dare you. |
3: White people in the South that act 'Gangsta'
Some people may call me a hypocrite for this one, as I introduce myself as Josh the Thugnificent, and am a white person from the South. But the difference between me and these people is that I earned my title by burning down 1,000 inner-city orphanages, and then constructing a meat dragon out of the remains. These people just listen to rap, and wear their pants really low. They also may or may not be potheads.
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| Sometimes I wonder why God doesn't just burn the world clean and start over. |
They're always very tall, or very short. Almost all of them live in a trailer. They own a truck, usually red for some reason. Their names tend to start with an 'A'. If you, or someone you know, is at least three of these things, they must die. There will be no mercy. I would build a meat dragon out of them, but I like my meat dragons to wear their pants correctly.
2: All ponies post-G1 and pre-FiM
This is the reason people make fun of me for being a brony. At least G1 had a bad guy who rode around on a fucking dragon, and FiM is just amazing in ever way, shape, and form. Everything between those was unacceptable. If I could go back in time, I would murder the people who made them in their sleep. I would also win the lottery a few times, and steal the Mona Lisa.
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| UNACCEPTABLE |
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| PERFECTION |
Guess what, people who pick on bronies? I hate those girly abominations too. They are the reason I hated MLP until earlier this year. And then I discovered Pinkie. But that's a story for another time.
1: Lickers
The fourth game I ever played was a little something called Resident Evil 2. So I'm playing it, and I come to a long hallway. I could hear a faint crunching sound, and there was a pool of blood at the bottom of the screen. What could it be?
Terror.
That's right, kids! It's the licker! Bane of my existence, and to clean underwear. See, I love scary games. I can roll right through Dead Space or F.E.A.R. without being scared. But this thing is terrifying. I don't know why they scare me so much.
Oh yeah, now I remember.
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