Stuff in a nutshell

Hello, I'm Josh. Today, I will be summing up my views on some of my favorite things in as few words as I can manage.
Are you ready?
If you said yes, then you're a liar.
Warning, here be spoilers.

Firefly
Fucking space pirates. They be traveling about, stealing from douchebags and giving to themselves or less fortunate douchebags. It only lasted for 14 episodes, which makes me sad because it was amazing. Also, I haven't seen any of the actors except Nathan Fillion in anything else recently, and it may have killed everyone else's careers. No, I'm not going to look it up. You have fingers, and are currently on a computer.

Bioshock
Would you kindly?
I don't know, Atlas, would you?
Great game, scary as shit, mother of all plot twists about three quarters of the way through.
Also, Andrew Ryan must be allergic to golf clubs, or the dude you're playing as must be the Incredible motherfucking Hulk, because I only hit the bastard three times. Well, the last one did kind of get stuck in his grey matter, so maybe I should cut him some slack.
Nah, fuck that guy.

Dead Space
Don't ever trust anyone named Kendra. Just don't.
Also, Isaac is batshit insane. Take the first letter of each chapter title, put them in order, and then punch yourself in the head for not guessing the big plot twist earlier.
Seriously, in retrospect, it was kind of obvious.

Dead Space: Extraction
Fun, scary, and way too short to be worth sixty bucks, I greatly enjoyed this game.
Especially when I had to use the nunchuk to chop off my own hand.
Good times.

Dead Space 2
I really like Dead Space.
Somehow Isaac manages to get batshit insaner, and also zombie-Nicole is screaming at you every five seconds.
A few more solid plot twists, improved combat, addictive if somewhat repetative multiplayer, Isaac's awesome voice, Ellie "Motherfucker" Langford, etc.
Action packed, slightly less scary. The stalkers are really the only thing that made me nervous, because sweet jesus they're everywhere.

Pokemon
I don't really feel as though I need to say anything. It's Pokemon. A lot of people are hating on G5, but I don't really see the problem, except for the lack of a Vs. Seeker of some sort. So, yeah, some of the new Pokemon are kind of ridiculous, but that's alright. There were some bullshit ones in the first four generations, too.
I'm looking at you, Johto. A totem pole? Really? And what the fuck is Dunspace supposed to be? And Snubull?
If you want to yell bullshit, yell it at G2.

Call of Duty
I have nothing immediately negative to say about CoD. Its multiplayer is simple and addictive, and the campaigns, although mostly the same thing over and over again, are always interesting.
No, there's nothing wrong with the games themselves.
But there's plenty wrong with the fanbase. If I want to get screamed at by a bunch of little kids, I'll go set fire to an orphanage. I've met a few awesome people on MW2, even some who purposely teamkill small children, but they are the 1%, the other 99% being small children with absent parents, small children with retarded parents, or quickscopers, which are worse than the first two, because I can mute little kids.
In real life, all you'd get for quickscoping in a shootout is a dislocated shoulder and about six extra pounds of lead.

Battlefield
This is more my style. Give me a tank, give me a realistic sniper rifle, give me an objective to take, and I'm good to go. Sure, it's not exactly hyperrealistic, but I don't care, because it's fun as hell. Sure, the BF3 campaign is pretty much a CoD knock-off, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. As I said above, it's interesting.
What isn't interesting, however, is frag rounds. Shotguns should not be able to win a shootout from sixty metres away, especially if the other dude(Me) is rocking a Famas/suppressor/holo/foregrip combo of doom.
These rounds are unacceptable. And it doesn't even need to hit you, it just needs to hit within five feet of you.
So for the sake of not being a massive tool, let's stop using those, okay?

Ponies
Fuck. Yeah. Ponies.
That is all.
I may revisit ponies in a later post, perhaps to give an in-depth look at each and every one of the magnificent bastards.
But for now, just know that they're awesome, and one of them is Harley Quinn.

Resident Evil 1
Itchy scratch tasty.
Terrible camera angles, decent scares, FUCK HUNTERS.
Also, Barry is the most unintentionally hilarious character in the entire series.

Resident Evil 2
Oh, silly Mr. Kendo. Zombies don't care that you have a shotgun.
Hot asian, annoying little girl that is still a better character than Ashley,
WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN RACCOON CITY HAVE A SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE?
"Hey Chief Irons, the printer's out of ink again."
"HERP DERP ACTIVATE THE SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE!"
*RPD explodes*
I mean seriously, they're like space pirates.

Resident Evil 3
STAAAAAAARS!
Nemesis is the single most errifying enemy in the entire series, even worse than Verdugo, because you only have to fight Verdugo once.
Also, Nicholai is a douche.

Resident Evil 4
What's this? Not terrible camera angles? Twice as many enemies as the first three games put together?
FUCK YE- oh wait, not fuck yeah.
You know why?
Ashley Graham, that's why. I signed up to kill not-zombies, and instead I get babysitting duty.
Well, at least Capcom makes her get kidnapped a few times, like they're making up for it.

Resident Evil 5
As an action game, it's pretty great, but as a Resident Evil game, it kind of falls flat. I was expecting some kind of epic adventure like in RE4, and instead I get about a dozen ten-minute long chapters, Ashley with a gun, and the most bullshit enemy ever, also known as the Reaper.
Co-op greatly improves the experience, if you can even find someone to play with.
At least Mercenaries is still fun.

Resident Evil: Code Veronica
I am Alfred Ashford! HEE HEE HEE HEE!
Alright, calm down, Kefka. Also, maybe stop dressing up like your sister.
Fun game, probably my favorite of the original Resident Evils. The final boss was a bitch if you weren't prepared, but so were the rest, if you think about it.
Yes, I'm talking about you, Steve Monster.

Final Fantasy
All of them are the same game, or at least the good ones are.
Really.
Cecil/Cloud/Lightning has to save the world, but about halfway through they realize that they must stop being a Dark Knight/Crazy Person/Badass and instead become a Paladin/Emo/Slightly More Likable Badass, blah blah blah, some bullshit about Meteor, dude named Cid, love interest who Gets Kidnapped/Dies/Is Nonexistent.
Oh, and those final bosses? Furious Immortal/Furious Immortal/Immortal Who Makes No Damn Sense. Seriously, the entirety of Final Fantasy XIII is Barthandelus telling the main characters to kill Orphan, and them saying no. And then you finally meet Orphan and everyone's all like "OH GOD KILL IT!"
Dafuq, Square Enix?
And each of them has a character who is whiny and useless until the last quarter of the game, in the form of Kain/I Don't Know/Hope.
"But Kain isn't whiny!"
Shut your whore mouths, fangirls. The first half of the game is him being evil, and the last quarter is him going "Well, that white mage is really hot, but I'm sad because she's into the Paladin."
Prove me wrong. I dare you.

Stay tuned for part 2 of Stuff in a nutshell!