How I Talk

In conversations, I like to quote things. It makes me feel like I'm some kind of scholar, always quoting ancient texts and shit.
But usually, it's Star wars, or ponies.
Here are a few of the things my friends hear me say, and think I made up on my own.
Idiots.

#1: The fun has been doubled!
Yep, ponies. Season two, episode four, I think. Maybe my favorite episode.
The average conversation will go something like this:
Logan: Hey guys! I just got bitten by a zombie!
Sam: Me too!
Me: The fun has been doubled!
Mark: Me five!
Me: No Mark, you ruined it. Leave, and never return.
But for some reason, Mark always comes back.

#2: Uh... um...
I actually only say one quote on a regular basis. So, in order to not ruin this post, it shall, from now on, be known as:

PONIES IN A SENTENCE!
I shall now summarize a number of ponies in a sentence!
Are you prepared?
Well, I'm not. I'm actually just winging it right now, and hoping that this turns out well.
Actually, you know what? I'm going to save all my pony-related jokes and such for a later date. From now on, this post shall be known as:

MY FAVORITE MOMENTS IN... UH... GAMING, I GUESS?
Yeah, gaming. That should work. I'm sure I can come up with five moments off the top of my-
Wait, what's that you say, one of the many voices in my head that sounds exactly like Pinkie Pie? Ten? Ten?
Yeah, I guess I can do ten.

#10: Sheik has a Vagina!
Woo! I finally beat the shit out of the temples! Time to go murder Ganondorf!
Nope. Time for Link to learn about the ninja-birds and the magic-princess-bees.

Sheik, seen here HAVING A VAGINA

Yup, turns out your badass ninja bro for life is actually your sissy-princess semi-love interest, and also a sage. She gets (surprise!) kidnapped, and now you have to go save her and murderdeathkillificate a giant pig monster.
Good times.

#9: Lucien, Master of Douchebaggery
I loved Fable 2.  I thought it was the best thing ever, right up until the end.
And then you get a face-full of this:

Oh yeah, and this is right after he kills your wife and child, if you needed more reason to hate him.

I gathered the three heroes, and went back to the top of that fucking mountain for this?
Anyway, I was expecting someone, maybe the blind chick, to save me.
And whaddaya know, my dog comes to the rescue!
Right in time to get shot in the face.
So about this time, I was swearing at the screen. Now will the omnipotent blind lady save me?
Yeah!
Oh wait, no. He shoots you in the face, too.
Some people say that Ganondorf is the best villain ever, or maybe Sephiroth, but I'll have to go with Lucien.

#8: Nicole is Dead, Kendra is a Bitch.
I. Love. Dead Space.
It was the scariest game I ever played at the time, and every random noise sent me into a bullet-wasting frenzy. I didn't really see a plot, but that's okay, because the scares kept me occupied.
After I get the Marker to Kyne, I'm more than ready to get the fuck off the Ishimura.
And then BANG, Kendra kills him, grabs the Marker and the only remaining shuttle, and high-tails it off the ship.
Or she would have, I didn't go after her with my girlfriend.
I get to Aegis VII, kill some stuff, Nicole goes missing (Again? Shit, she has worse luck than Princess Peach), and bring the Marker to the pedestal.
Yay, happy ending! Isaac gets on the shuttle, and him and Nicole probably go have space sex.
Ha, no. Kendra traps you, steals the Marker again, and drops the mother of all plot twists: Nicole has been dead the whole time, and Isaac is just crazy.

Kendra Daniels, seen here being a total bitch.

Oh, but don't worry. She most certainly gets her comeuppance.

#7: Master of Unlocking
If you don't know what game this is from, then just leave. You will accomplish nothing by staying here, except becoming confused when I mention Jill sandwiches.
Also, now  want to learn how to pick locks, just so I can order a bunch of business cards that say "Master of Unlocking." I'll charge ridiculous fees to unlock stuff, and then, I'll... uh...
Geez, today is not a good day for me. Maybe it's a tumor? Anyone know a good cancer doctor?

#6: The Choice
Deus Ex: Human Revolution is an awesome game. The story is great, and the graphics are shiny, and everything is so very yellow.
And then, at the end, you make a choice. You can broadcast Darrow's confession to every TV in the world, and hope that people believe everything about the Illuminati. I did this, because fuck lying.
But if you're not me, you can also edit the recording. You can blame Sarif and the augmentation industry, thereby (possibly) forcing mankind to heavily mandate it, making sure that future generations stay humn, or you can blame Taggart and the Humanity front, thereby allowing the Augmentation industry to continue their human testing.
Or, you could blow the whole place to hell, ensuring that nobody ever figures out what the hell happened.
Y'know, if you suck.

#5: The Nuke
Man, CoD4 was a fun game. And the campaign was awesome. Especially the mission called "Shock and Awe."
You play as a US Marine, the same one from mission 3, I think, and you're assisting in the hunt for Al-Bashir, again. But this time it's a straight-up invasion, and most of the mission involves blowing the shit out of anything that moves from a helicopter gun turret. Near the end, another helicopter gets shot down, and you carry the pilot to safety while dodging bullets.
Awesome! Congratulations, you beat the mission!
Except you didn't. A voice on the radio is saying something about a WMD, and suddenly:

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Yeah, that's exactly what it looks like. And get whose helicopter doesn't get out of the blast zone in time? Yeah, the one you're one. Big explosion, you hit the ground, end of mission.
Again, no. You come to in the crashed helicopter, and crawl outside. The sight that greets you looks a lot like the end of RE3:

If you didn't get out in time, and weren't immediately vaporized.

Uh huh. And then, guess what, you just keep walking until you keel over.
AMERICA!

#4: The Fiddy Cal.
What? A moment from the BF3 campaign on this list? Madness!
Whoa, calm the fuck down, dude. These entries are in no particular order, and they are all awesome.
When I say the fiddy cal, I mean that part of the first mission, when you're pinned down by some guy in the hotel across the street, with, you guessed it, a fiddy cal.
this was, easily, the most intense moment in the campaign. Sure, it's really easy, and kind of short, but holy shit nothing is scarier than having the clay pot next to your face explode.
At least, not in BF3.

#3: Clever Girls
Dead Space 2 was the best third person shooter ever until Gears 3 happened. It wasn't nearly as scary as the first one, but that's okay, because it was so full of explosions that I didn't notice.
So there I was, minding my own damn business, killing necromorphs, when the door I need to go through in Chapter 5... "malfunctions."
Alright, no problem. Time to turn around and-
Wait, what the fuck was that noise? It kind of sounds like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park, but that would be stupid.
And then something hit me from behind. I hit the ground, got up, and by the time I turned around it was gone. Out of the corner of my eye I see something move, and I shoot at it, just in time for it to duck around the nearest crate. And then something hits me from behind again.
Guess what it was.

OH GOD WHY DIDN'T I BRING A FLAMETHROWER

No, not a velociraptor. Something worse.

OH GOD WHY DIDN'T I BRING A FLAMETHROWER

Yup, Stalkers. They have the most diabolical AI since Ms. Pac Man, and unlike the ghosts, there were always more than four of them. They like to pop their heads around corners, and when you go after the exposed one, another creeps up behind you, knocks you down, and runs away.
And you think those are bad? In Chapter 10+ there are enhanced versions that are faster, have twice as much health, deal more damage, and blend in with their surroundings.
Shit, I'd rather get pounced by a velociraptor.

#2: A Man Chooses
Ah, Bioshock. You lured me in with your beautiful, steampunk enviroments and addictive combat, and then proceeded to show me an amazing storyline and occasional pants-shitting terror.
After what seems like forever, but is really only the first half of the game (epic forshadowing), you finally meet Andrew Ryan, the guy who's making your stay in Rapture suck.
He talks for a while, says some really deep shit that will be in my head forever, drops the biggest, baddest plot twist in any game, book, or movie ever, and then dies.
No epic final boss, no slow-motion explosions, no one-way trip back to the surface. Just a six-word phrase, a golf club, and a bitter old man.
And then everybody's favorite Irishman, Atlas, shows up and makes everything better, because Atlas is awesome.
Really, really awesome.

Fucking AWESOME

#1: Choose your Starter
Hell. Fucking. Yes.
Pokemon is the greatest game series of all time, and all who dislike it are faggots. End of discussion.
I could go with any of the starter selections, but there was one that really stuck with me.
When I was a kid, everbody spoiled Pokemon for me. They told me where the Legendaries are, and which starters had the best final evolutions, etc.
But I got Pokemon Pearl as soon as it came out, leaving no time for spoilers. So, this was the first time I didn't know everything about the game. Heck, I didn't even know what the starters would be.

Surprise!

Yep, a turtle, a monkey, and a penguin. My options were limited, so I went ahead and grabbed the penguin.
Best choice I have ever made.
A few years later, my LV.100 Empoleon is now on Pokemon White, along with my entire Champion-raping team from Pearl. Me and him demolish asians on WiFi, sometimes, and when Pokemon Black/White 2 comes out, you'd better believe he's going over there as soon as possible. And then, when the Ruby/Sapphire remakes happen, guess what's the first thing to be traded over?
Yup, giant metal death penguin.

FUCK YEAH GIANT METAL DEATH PENGUIN